Then, talk to my socks.

I got home, washed with shame and regrets. I’ve been a little… no, a lot defiant with my band mentors. I haven’t been regularly attending rehearsals although I am completely aware that the battle is but a week away. I’m such a slouch, I know. But in my defense, I was absent yesterday because I was relying on false hopes to a certain person who was supposed to be there for me. And I waited, too long. And as I stepped beyond the school grounds, there standing was one of my most respected mentors who I have apparently disrespected. I was lectured on my slothful practices. My bandmates are exerting quite an effort in this and I am just walking around in my bossy pants. It’s funny how quick the tables turned. Now, I am the one who have disappointed people who had hopes on me. False hopes, too, I guess. But the feeling is returned too because, I myself is disappointed with myself. A lot of people have faith in me, sometimes, more faith than I have for myself. Dear Lord, thanks for the wake-up call.

On the other hand, I had a great time with my friends. It’s just that… I suck so bad.

It sucks.

Usually, when I write, my fingers just keep going and going but I feel as though I am at loss.

We met at a Halloween Party and I have told your friends and mine too that my eyes were on Djyrin. I was lying. They were on you. When I saw you in your polo with your high-waisted mini shorts and that cute little bow-tie, I thought… “Wow, that’s hot.”. After the party, we were back in our own lives but there was still a connection that kept us distant yet attached… Facebook. 

As time went on, I got the privilege to get to know how beautiful you are deep inside when the only thought hanging by my head during that night was how hot you were. I got the chance to know that your house is a mini dog pound. I got the chance to know you sing, too, how kindred our taste of music is. I get to know how much you love karaoke. I got to experience your habit of playing with the fingers of people you are beside with, how you danced your little fingers with my big ones. I got the change to see how you smile beautifully and in my heart, I swear, the way you laugh is one of my favorite sounds. I guess… I fell in love. 

It was all new to me. I was always distracted with the sight of your face, the sound of your giggle, the sweetest words you said during those late nights we had online. My friends were all over me, teasing me with our childish romance while my face turns red with a very odd tingling feeling. Although, I must say, they’re still calling me Baby Boy when I’m stepping on the stage of my life wherein I’m officially a “binata”. My friends are retarded. And obviously, I was different.

My mom watches me like a hawk. Eventually, she always finds out the girls my brother and I have interest in. It was awkward but a night ago, my mother opened up with us. It was a long jibber jabber with sense and I truly understand why she opposes on us having committed relationships. In the process, I realized how I almost forgot about my ambition. I don’t blame you for this, of course, those moments I had with you were precious. I realized that I am forcing myself to grow up. I realized that it takes time and there is a lot more time for that in the future. I have to be focused with my studies. It will take time, dear, but I’m sure it will be worth it. Who knows? This thing we have could still happen in the future. Just, not now.

And I’m sorry. I really am. I’m a coward and believe it or not, you are strong. You have gone through more than what I have. And I want you to do the same. Listen to me.I want you to focus on your studies. You’re a beautiful lady and you don’t need me or any other guy out there to say you are. Both of us need time to grow and I don’t want you to be trapped with romantic hopes, not anymore. My mom told me many times how she wishes she would have enjoyed her teenage years more. Just enjoy each passing moments being single. Explore, travel the world, conquer your dreams. And after then, settle down and you will find the man of your dreams. The man who I am not. Just promise me one thing. Please be happy. Just… please.

You’re one of the most beautiful and strongest people I know, Karen. I love you, I’m proud of you. And another thing. I want you to be proud of yourself. You’re selfless. But sometimes, you have to look at yourself, too, and believe that you matter. I know I have a point, the problem is… am I getting to it? Anyway, just try to focus on yourself, too. You have a lot of skill waiting to be sharpened.

And always know that, I’l always be around.

“Someday… when I’m awfully low… and the world is cold… I will feel a glow, just thinking of you… and the way you look tonight.”